Author Archives: mbajane

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,602 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,898 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,602 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,898 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Farm Kitchen/Icing on the Cake Expert Level Merit Badge, I was inspired by my local gingerbread house auction and contest.

Okay. So it was a little bit of a stretch … from cake to gingerbread house … but I knew my fellow farmgirls were behind me. Yeah, I wasn’t making a butter cake from scratch, but all the decorating I was going to do was going to make up for it.

And how.

The great thing about gingerbread houses is how long they stay fresh, and how early you can start the decorating process. Example: I started my house two weeks before the contest and auction. I mean, it’s not like anyone is going to eat it anyway, right? It’s for gazing at in awe and admiration, not for snacking. We aren’t Hansel and Gretel, people.

Of course, should anyone want to snack upon my house, they’d be met with delicious flavors, I assure you. Licorice whips, candy buttons, peppermints, gummy bears, powdered sugar, mini marshmallows, gumdrops, sugar cubes, lollipops, red hots, jelly beans … well, this list is somewhat endless. Being a farmgirl, I really tried to limit my junk food and went with plenty of locally made candy, dye-free alternatives, and healthy options, like pretzels and shredded wheat.

I realized about three days in that gingerbread-house decorating is a lot like having a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle. They become rather addicting. As in, I’ll just finish this one stained glass window and then I’ll use the bathroom, or One more tree and then I’ll eat breakfast. If you don’t have boundaries, girls, you’re gonna end up with a slight bladder infection and expired, uneaten breakfast foods. Helpful hint from me to you: Know when to walk away from the golden glow of the frosting-tinted roofs and caramel-studded window panes.

I was going to bed with not only visions of sugar plums dancing in my head, but also visions of jellied fruit slices, Skittles, shredded coconut, and cotton candy. Willie Wonka had taken over my dreams. I was getting toothaches and I hadn’t even been pinching the inventory!

I needed a break. Mr. Wonderful obligingly took away my gingerbread house for the night so I wouldn’t be tempted to ice some more, or frost something. I printed out a list of emergency numbers for him in case something happened to my sweet baby, and I tried to go to bed early. I got up the next morning and treated myself to a nice breakfast and didn’t even call to check in (though I wanted to).

Seeing my beautiful house after a little bit of an absence was just what I had needed. With renewed vigor, I placed the very last silver non-pareil atop the gingerbread roof, and together, Mr. Wonderful and I loaded it up into the car.

He drove like a geriatric snail by my request, and we made it to the auction and contest just in time.

Did I win? Did anyone buy my sweet baby?

Well, Second Runner Up isn’t too bad, and let’s just say Mr. Wonderful came with spending money.

Munch munch.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,602 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,898 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Farm Kitchen/Organic on a Budget Intermediate Level Merit Badge, I gave myself a little pat on the back.

Why, you may ask?

I’m so glad you did.

Because I am officially chemical free when it comes to my fruits and veggies, that’s why. And do you know what? It feels good.

Like I knew that it would now.

So good … so good … I got –

Well, that’s where my fondness for segueing from vegetables into song lyrics goes awry. No matter, the point is: I have been successful at eliminating those pesky non-food ingredients from my “rabbit food,” as Mr. Wonderful likes to call plants. (He’s still working on Level One, let’s say).

At first, I admit to being skeptical. I mean, I’ve never been a veggie girl, let’s face facts here. My poor mom had to drown them in Ranch just to get me to swallow them without making a face (vegetables, that is, not facts. Though facts are better with condiments, too). Basically, as a kiddo, I liked my veg in this order:

French Fries

Potato chips

Dill pickles.

I know, I know. It’s a wee list.

But it’s gotten longer these days, and it’s amazing how broadening my horizons, culinary-ish speaking, has lightened my moods (and waistband). I discovered all sorts of foods I never knew I liked, and realized how much yummier it all tastes when there isn’t an aftertaste of pesticides and fungicides. Scary ‘cides aside …

I don’t even need Ranch anymore, which my mother would say is a small miracle. A little sauté in butter and my peas are delish. A squeeze of lemon on a spinach salad and I’m in heaven. A quick stir-fry of bell peppers and onions enliven my sandwiches, and a splash of apple cider vinegar wakes up my sleepy Swiss Chard. And when it comes to my organic fruit? Mm. I never thought a fruit salad could take the place of dessert for this sugar-aholic, but guess again.

Another perk to earning this badge is all the friends and farmers I’ve met that I otherwise would never have found. It’s much more fun, healthy, cheap, and delicious to buy my organic produce from my local neighbors than it is from the big supermarket. Also, there are more samples from the farmers, which is a definite plus when you’re a try before you buy kind of gal.

All in all, I’d say this badge was a pleasure to earn. I’d tell you more but I’m too busy stuffing my tummy with organic jicama.

Only lightly dipped in Ranch.

(But it’s organic, Mom).

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,558 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,822 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Farm Kitchen/Unprocessed Kitchen Merit Badge, I was upping the ante and earning Level III. That’s right. The sequel to end all sequels. The coup de grace. The ending of a delicious trilogy.

The advanced EXPERT Level.

Gosh, I gave myself chills. I haven’t been so excited since the shoe sale at the outlet mall.

And if I thought Levels One and Two were fun, I was in for a real treat with the final installment. A dinner party. Who gets a badge for a dinner party? Farmgirls, that’s who. You could say it rocks to be us.

But not just any dinner party, of course: an Unprocessed Dinner Party. And when I say, dinner, I of course mean, dessert.

Evidently, my friends have sweet teeth beyond compare. The point of this party (besides having a blast, naturally) was to introduce them to unprocessed foods, find out their weaknesses, and then help them brainstorm ways to make those unhealthy treats into wholesome foods.

Real foods.

No food-like ingredients here.

No unpronounceable ingredients. (Although I have a heck of a time pronouncing acai and/or quinoa).

No 37 lists of chemicals in one, single, solitary slice of bread, no siree.

No pesticides, herbicides, antibiotics, preservatives, food colors, additives, or otherwise frightening additions.

Just, plain, amazing, mouth-watering food. The kind that makes you weak in the knees and breathless. The kind that fills your house with a salivating inducing aroma. The kind that …

Whew! Is it getting hot in here or is it just my dark chocolate lava cake heating up the kitchen? Let me just use my cocktail napkin to fan my face for a sec here. That’s better. Onto the list my pals and I came up with!

• S’mores (Can you imagine this delight with organic, fair-trade chocolate, a homemade cinnamon marshmallow, and perhaps a gingersnap cookie in place of the graham? Or a spicy version with chili-laced chocolate, a vanilla marshmallow, and a chocolate graham? Or maybe a peppermint marshmallow with a white chocolate square and a homemade Snickerdoodle cookie? The possibilities, folks, are endless.)
• Homemade coffee-house drinks and creamers! I thought this one deserved an exclamation point, because who doesn’t love to sip on a frothy, creamy mug of goodness? But a lot of that goodness is filled with unnecessary calories, corn syrup, and fake foods, not to mention a painful blow to your wallet. Better to make your own, and so we did. We slurped (uh, I mean sipped) on homemade Hot Cocoa, Butterscotch Coffees, Hazelnuts Mochas, and Pumpkin Spice Lattes.
• Popsicles! This is another one where the possibilities for flavors are practically endless. We came up with all sorts of varieties, but our favorites included: watermelon basil, green tea with honey, coconut and lime, peach and strawberry sangria, honeydew cucumber, and Greek yogurt. Mmmm.
• The above-mentioned Dark Chocolate Lava Cake with homemade ice cream.
• Homemade Twinkies. Yep.
• And finally, enough cookie and cake ideas for us to open our own bakery.

Have a hankering to make your unhealthy vice more organic and homemade friendly? Do tell. Share!

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,558 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,822 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Garden Gate/Horse Dreams Intermediate Level Merit Badge, I delved into and researched one of my favorite animals: horses.

I must admit, my knowledge of horses didn’t run deep up to this particular point. Oh, I could categorize them, all right:

Pinkie Pie

Rainbow Dash

Applejack

Fluttershy

Twilight Twinkle

Rosedust

Sea Shimmer

etc.

But  … turns out there are more to horses than the oh-so-majestic My Little Pony. Hey, gotta cut this farmgirl newbie some slack: I spent half my life in a toy store, you know.

Anyway, I lugged home a stack of library books the size of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, each and every one regaling the merits of equestrians and their noble steeds. To earn my Intermediate Level Badge, I only had to pick one.

Just one.

But that’s like picking your favorite child! (Which I totally was, right, Mom?)

I had to narrow down my choices, but how? While I was pondering over the intimidating list of my new four-legged friends, I dribbled a small bit of yellow mustard from my pita sandwich on the image of a golden Palomino, effectively highlighting it, you could say. I took it as a sign.

The Palomino would be the source of all my horse knowledge from here on out. I polished off my pita, took a napkin to the mustard-hued page, and began to learn about everyone’s favorite blonde, the grand and splendid and delightfully pretty Palomino.

Incidentally, Applejack, I do believe, was a Palomino. She was a good friend; remind me to ring her up soon. She’ll be impressed with all my Palomino facts.

Like:

No one knows for sure how old the Palomino color is, or where it originated from, but it’s mostly believed Queen Isabella of Spain is responsible for bringing them to America since they were her personal favorites. Thanks, Izzy!

Pegasus, the winged horse from Greek mythology, was a Palomino.

So was Mr. Ed (of course, of course).

So was Mr. Rogers’ horse, Trigger (and Trigger, Jr.).

In order to be registered on the Palomino Horse Breeders of America list, your Palomino must be as close as possible to the “color of a newly minted U.S. coin” and have a white or silver mane and tail. No brunettes or strawberry blondes, I’m afraid.

A Palomino is not a breed, it’s a color. Palominos can be many different breeds, actually: American Quarter Horses, Arabians, Morgans, Missouri Fox Trotters, Thoroughbreds, Tennessee Walking Horses, Morabs, Quarabs, Paint Horses, and even some solid-colored Appaloosas (that one surprised me, I confess). Applejack was a Hasbro. Haha! Get it?

Sorry. Back to research.

I fell in love with the adorable and spunky Palomino.

This badge did nothing for the little girl inside me who really, really, REALLY wants a pony.

I can see me now … hair blowing in the breeze as I ride through the meadow on the back of my Palomino … I shall name her Buttercup.

We’ll find one another someday. You can’t stop destiny. In the meantime, I’ll see if I can find Applejack’s phone number.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,558 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,822 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Each Other/Farmgirl Gratitude Intermediate Level Merit Badge, I threw myself (with reckless abandon, I might add) into the Thanksgiving spirit. No, not the mashed potato and cranberry sauce spirit (though I do throw myself into those with—you guessed it—reckless abandon) but the real Thanksgiving spirit.

Giving thanks.

In real, tangible ways, too, not just in passing. I settled down with another few chapters of the book, The Book of Awesome, which is required reading for this badge. And before you ask, no, it’s not my autobiography.

*tee hee

Anyway, after I closed the book with an ever-so-satisfying thump (Am I the only one who loves the final thump of a most excellent book? Yes? Hello? Anyone?), I pulled out my stationery set, the monogrammed one with the matchy-matchy envelopes, and my favorite set of colored pencils, markers, crayons, Sharpies, pastels, and fine-point pens. What? So I go a little crazy on Black Friday at the office supply store … if that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Another part of earning this badge was to write a letter to someone in a service industry in my town. I nibbled on my #2 pencil as I thought about who to send my thank you letter to. I usually left muffins and goodies for the mail person and the garbage man the week of Christmas, and just the other day, I brought a latte to my favorite nurse at my local doctor’s office, so I thought I’d better spread the goodwill around, you know? Who hadn’t I thought of?

And then I had it! The fire station. Under-appreciated and overworked, I just knew they’d love a little pick-me-up in the form of a well-penned letter from Yours Truly. They’d probably thumb-tack it up on their bulletin board and read it lovingly every time they passed by on their way to jump down the fire pole and save humanity. I was getting warm fuzzies just thinking about it.

Dear Sirs and Madams of the Fire Department,

Thank you, brave ladies and gentlemen, for the tireless and brave work you do to keep my little town safe. Day in and day out, you put your life on the line (and keep a fantastically shiny truck, to boot). I always rest assured that every blaze is under control when you’re around. My heartfelt appreciation and thanks for getting through the wildfire season, and also for coming to the aid of my elderly neighbor when I thought she had fallen to her death, even though it turned out she was only doing yoga in her front yard (sorry about that).

Also, on a personal note, thank you for responding so speedily that time I sort of, accidentally, very nearly burned down half the town. I am always very careful to remove my potholder collection from the stovetop now, and I only light scented candles on very special occasions and with witnesses who can remind me to blow them out.

Stay safe out there!

Sincerely,

Jane.

Now to decide whether to address it to Mr. January or Mr. April …

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,518 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,653 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Farm Kitchen/Pay it Forward Merit Badge, Level Two, I was excited to keep on keeping on with my own personal vendetta against hunger! Maybe I can’t change the world, but I can sure change a day in someone’s life, so that was my plan. Baby steps, girls, baby steps.

I got my bossy pants on (pinstriped, wide legged, look aMAYzing with heels) and set out. My plan for helping my corner of the planet and for earning my Intermediate Level Badge was simple: Collect as many canned goods as my little arms, boxes, reusable shopping totes, and car could carry, and donate to the same dear food bank I donated my handful of change to the other day (when I was earning Level One). Now the goal was to collect at least 50 items, but I just knew I could blow that number out of the water. I mean, let’s get real here, ladies, I could probably find almost that much in my own pantry (well, there was a sale on pineapple a couple months back … sometimes I get concerned that I won’t have the ingredients to make an emergency homemade, midnight Hawaiian flatbread pizza, you know? No? You don’t have homemade, midnight Hawaiian flatbread pizza emergencies? Huh. Curiouser and curiouser).

So, I parted ways with 12 cans of diced pineapple (reserving a couple for said emergencies) and went on a little manhunt.  A canhunt, actually.

HAHA! Get it? CANhunt? I know, I know! Wipe the tears of mirth away, my friends, and keep reading.

Naturally, I tried to let a few pals know I was coming (so as not to become a Canned Foods Mafia or something) and I was pleasantly surprised to see them getting into the swing of things, too. We were really in the spirit.

The farmgirl spirit.

In fact, they wanted to come with me in my collection rounds, but my seats were full of a case of water chestnuts, a flat of French sliced green beans, lots of soup, some unopened jars of spices, tons of bags of pasta, a box of Turkey jerky, a dozen home-canned jars of peaches, and the bumper crop of my neighbor’s zucchini.

Yeah, I’d say 50 items was going to be a piece of cake.

Everyone I met was happy to give something, even if it was just a tin of tuna or a carton of powdered milk. At Midge’s house, she was in the shower, and since the kids know me, they let me in and were only too happy to donate all the vegetables they could find! Sweet kids. Very generous, I thought.

I rounded out my afternoon of nonperishable food hoarding and drove the booty to the food bank. Together with the volunteers, we unloaded my car (which was sagging under all that weight!) and made the cook very, very happy.

Turns out HE has homemade, midnight, Hawaiian flatbread pizza emergencies all the time.

I knew I wasn’t the only one.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,518 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,653 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Stitching and Crafting/Cross Stitch Level Two Merit Badge, you may think I’m preoccupied with autumn going into winter.

And you’d be right.

Sewing is the best when done in the autumn, with a mug of something warm, a blanket over your cold toes, your pet of choice snoozing next to you, and the fall lineup of your favorite shows just starting. Autumn is when I get all my best crafting done, winter is when I reap the benefits, and spring and summer are when I attempt to get my lazy patootie off the ol’ couch.

I may have to cross-stitch that mantra on something.

One of the best things about cross-stitching is it that gives you the excuse to really go nutty in the embroidery-floss aisle at the craft store. Those twisty loops of rainbow thread are almost better than a fresh box of crayons. And that, my dears, is saying something, ‘cuz there ain’t nothing better than a fresh box of crayons—am I right?

You know I am.

Add to my floss addiction (No, dear dentist of mine, the other kind. Don’t get too happy with me; I still only floss after eating corn on the cob and five minutes before my check-up.) the addition of a coupon and a fun, little box for organizing my new collection, and I was a golden girl. I don’t think there’s a time commitment requirement for this particular badge, but if there was, I would have fulfilled it just lovingly arranging and rearranging my embroidery flosses. They were as happy as clams at high tide in there, and I beamed every time I opened my box.

But seriously. Time to get cracking. And stitching.

I educated myself on the fabrics of cross-stitch: Aida or Evenweave. Or as I like to call ‘em, Sunday fabric.

‘Cuz it’s holy.

Get it? Holey?

Just a little cross-stitch humor there. Ahem.

Now, Aida and Evenweave come in various sizes, depending on how many stitches per inch you’d like. I know, I know, we’re sneaking some math in here. Badges are sly like that: You never know what you’ll end up learning.

Not being one to ever overestimate myself (ha!), I went with the most common and standard of the cross-stitching fabrics: a 14-holes-per-inch Aida.

What are you making, Jane, you might well inquire at this point? Well, I’m glad you asked. I’m making a Christmas stocking.

What? I like to get a jump on the holidays.

Also, my old stocking got a little too close to the roaring fire I was roasting chestnuts on last year. (It’s okay, it was too small, anyway. Santa knows I’ve been VERY good this year, and I’m expecting some serious loot. I mean, look at all these Merit Badges I’ve been earning all year. He has to be pretty proud, and I’m sure that will reflect in the amount of dark chocolate in my new stocking on Christmas morning.)

Of course, I had to choose my most Christmas-y of colors out of my floss collection, and I spent a merry afternoon cross-stitching.

The only drawback is putting my new creation away until Christmas Eve.

Suddenly, I’m in the mood for chestnuts.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,518 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,653 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Outpost/Fishing Intermediate Level Merit Badge, I collected my knots: double surgeon’s loop, turle, barrel knot, Palomar, and clinch. I was giddy with excitement (and also hunger). The first step was to head out to the Department of Fish and Game! (I am trying not to use so many exclamation points, but I felt that deserved one because I’ve never been there before.) Other places I’ve yet to go to:

Spatulas R Us

Shirley You Drive Truck Rental

NincomSoup

Wok This Way

Curl Up and Dye Salon

But I digress. Anyway, my fellow fisherwomen, my mistresses of the sea, my water babies, I ventured into the Department of Fish and Game with eagerness. I was ready to learn all about my state’s laws and regulations and to familiarize myself with the available fish (not to mention the bait with which to lure said fishies). The people there were so nice. They didn’t even look too confused when I asked them why Palomar got a knot named after him/her. Well, they didn’t have an answer either, but they seemed nearly as intrigued as I was, so I felt like I really fit in.

I chatted for a bit with a sweet gal named Debbie. Turns out, Debbie was an expert fisherwoman, and once I cultivated her friendship with a latte and a homemade granola bar, she was willing to share a few helpful hints with Yours Truly.

Hey, I’m not above bribery.

Idaho, my new bestie said, is home to the best Chinook salmon and steelhead trout in the world. She showed me what they look like (a peculiar sort of beauty: I find it more attractive on a plate with some wild garlic and a wedge of lemon). Did Debbie merely point out a crudely drawn rendition of a salmon? Oh, never let it be said. No way, Jay, she pulled out her wallet and unfolded what looked to be hundreds of snapshots of herself with her catches.

Methinks Debbie does not have children yet.

Or if she does, they are either extremely shy or hiding behind the ginormous salmon.

I was immediately intimidated by Debbie’s catches. Don’t worry, she assured me, you’ll be starting out small, and odds are, you won’t be pulling out fish the size of a Volkswagen any time soon. At least she hoped not. Debbie is competitive.

With my arms laden with stacks of brochures, I finally left my home away from home, the Department of Fish and Game (no exclamation point needed now that I’ve been there).

Once home, I settled my cravings with a tuna melt and burrowed down for the evening with my rules and regulations, and also my handy-dandy wall poster on bait. Although I was determined to live up to Laura Ingalls Wilder’s standards of a good old worm on a the end of a piece of string attached to a stick, I didn’t mind knowing the more modern stuff, too. You never know. Apparently, fish are picky little things sometimes, and you have to experiment with what they like on any given day. I can relate. I mean, sometimes there’s nothing better than a medium-rare steak with some tossed greens, but other times, all I really want is a PB & J! So I get it, fishies, I totally get it.

I dreamed that night of fish and worms, baits and knots, Laura and Debbie. It was a restless kind of sleep, that kind that only comes when you know you’ll be rising with the dawn, pulling on your waders, and goin’ fishing.

Jump on in, girls, the water’s fine.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,518 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,653 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Farm Kitchen/Pay it Forward Merit Badge, I had to channel my inner camel. What’s that, you say? You know, that humpy, lumpy, dumpy animal that can go for days without food? Or is that water? Well, whatevs, my dears—I’m no zoologist. I just know to earn my badge this week, I was going to do a little math and do a little fast. (See what I did there? Made a poem.)

Anyway, the math came in when I did a rough calculation of about how much it costs to feed Yours Truly on a weekly daily hourly (ahem) basis. It takes a lot of fuel to keep this much cuteness going, in my defense. Then from there, I got to take that amount (from one meal) and donate it to my local food bank, and—get this—skip that meal myself.

Gulp.

I’m not very good with skipping meals, I confess. I get a little shaky, a little grouchy, a little panicky.

In short, it’s a good thing it’s Halloween season, cuz if I find a broom, I may be riding it around my house shortly.

But it’s just one meal, Janie my girl, I tell myself, you can do this. I am woman, hear me roar.

Or whisper for a cracker, whatever the case may be.

But to my surprise, that didn’t happen at all. Fasting for a cause was nothing like forgetting to eat breakfast! Maybe it was because I was doing it for a reason, maybe it was because I wasn’t focused on myself so much, maybe it was because I had the Trucker’s Omelet Special that morning … but I didn’t even miss it. It was a miracle! I felt really good (except for the gravy-smothered hash browns, which were totally not loving me back).

Each time I got a little hungry, a little tummy-growling action, a little persnickety, I stopped and thought: Too many people go through this feeling (times a hundred) every day. I patted my stomach and told it to simmer down, and it did. Obedient little belly have I.

By dinner time I was, of course, slightly on the famished side, and I wouldn’t say I was at my best, personality wise, but still, I had gone without and learned something in the process:

• how to help my local food bank (more on that with Level Two of this Merit Badge)
• how to be aware of and lower my own food budget
• the meaning of this word:

Hangry: hang-ree, adj. A state of anger due to a lack of food, causing irritability and a negative change in an emotional state.