Author Archives: mbajane

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,518 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,653 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Outpost/Fishing Intermediate Level Merit Badge, I collected my knots: double surgeon’s loop, turle, barrel knot, Palomar, and clinch. I was giddy with excitement (and also hunger). The first step was to head out to the Department of Fish and Game! (I am trying not to use so many exclamation points, but I felt that deserved one because I’ve never been there before.) Other places I’ve yet to go to:

Spatulas R Us

Shirley You Drive Truck Rental

NincomSoup

Wok This Way

Curl Up and Dye Salon

But I digress. Anyway, my fellow fisherwomen, my mistresses of the sea, my water babies, I ventured into the Department of Fish and Game with eagerness. I was ready to learn all about my state’s laws and regulations and to familiarize myself with the available fish (not to mention the bait with which to lure said fishies). The people there were so nice. They didn’t even look too confused when I asked them why Palomar got a knot named after him/her. Well, they didn’t have an answer either, but they seemed nearly as intrigued as I was, so I felt like I really fit in.

I chatted for a bit with a sweet gal named Debbie. Turns out, Debbie was an expert fisherwoman, and once I cultivated her friendship with a latte and a homemade granola bar, she was willing to share a few helpful hints with Yours Truly.

Hey, I’m not above bribery.

Idaho, my new bestie said, is home to the best Chinook salmon and steelhead trout in the world. She showed me what they look like (a peculiar sort of beauty: I find it more attractive on a plate with some wild garlic and a wedge of lemon). Did Debbie merely point out a crudely drawn rendition of a salmon? Oh, never let it be said. No way, Jay, she pulled out her wallet and unfolded what looked to be hundreds of snapshots of herself with her catches.

Methinks Debbie does not have children yet.

Or if she does, they are either extremely shy or hiding behind the ginormous salmon.

I was immediately intimidated by Debbie’s catches. Don’t worry, she assured me, you’ll be starting out small, and odds are, you won’t be pulling out fish the size of a Volkswagen any time soon. At least she hoped not. Debbie is competitive.

With my arms laden with stacks of brochures, I finally left my home away from home, the Department of Fish and Game (no exclamation point needed now that I’ve been there).

Once home, I settled my cravings with a tuna melt and burrowed down for the evening with my rules and regulations, and also my handy-dandy wall poster on bait. Although I was determined to live up to Laura Ingalls Wilder’s standards of a good old worm on a the end of a piece of string attached to a stick, I didn’t mind knowing the more modern stuff, too. You never know. Apparently, fish are picky little things sometimes, and you have to experiment with what they like on any given day. I can relate. I mean, sometimes there’s nothing better than a medium-rare steak with some tossed greens, but other times, all I really want is a PB & J! So I get it, fishies, I totally get it.

I dreamed that night of fish and worms, baits and knots, Laura and Debbie. It was a restless kind of sleep, that kind that only comes when you know you’ll be rising with the dawn, pulling on your waders, and goin’ fishing.

Jump on in, girls, the water’s fine.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,518 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,653 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Farm Kitchen/Pay it Forward Merit Badge, I had to channel my inner camel. What’s that, you say? You know, that humpy, lumpy, dumpy animal that can go for days without food? Or is that water? Well, whatevs, my dears—I’m no zoologist. I just know to earn my badge this week, I was going to do a little math and do a little fast. (See what I did there? Made a poem.)

Anyway, the math came in when I did a rough calculation of about how much it costs to feed Yours Truly on a weekly daily hourly (ahem) basis. It takes a lot of fuel to keep this much cuteness going, in my defense. Then from there, I got to take that amount (from one meal) and donate it to my local food bank, and—get this—skip that meal myself.

Gulp.

I’m not very good with skipping meals, I confess. I get a little shaky, a little grouchy, a little panicky.

In short, it’s a good thing it’s Halloween season, cuz if I find a broom, I may be riding it around my house shortly.

But it’s just one meal, Janie my girl, I tell myself, you can do this. I am woman, hear me roar.

Or whisper for a cracker, whatever the case may be.

But to my surprise, that didn’t happen at all. Fasting for a cause was nothing like forgetting to eat breakfast! Maybe it was because I was doing it for a reason, maybe it was because I wasn’t focused on myself so much, maybe it was because I had the Trucker’s Omelet Special that morning … but I didn’t even miss it. It was a miracle! I felt really good (except for the gravy-smothered hash browns, which were totally not loving me back).

Each time I got a little hungry, a little tummy-growling action, a little persnickety, I stopped and thought: Too many people go through this feeling (times a hundred) every day. I patted my stomach and told it to simmer down, and it did. Obedient little belly have I.

By dinner time I was, of course, slightly on the famished side, and I wouldn’t say I was at my best, personality wise, but still, I had gone without and learned something in the process:

• how to help my local food bank (more on that with Level Two of this Merit Badge)
• how to be aware of and lower my own food budget
• the meaning of this word:

Hangry: hang-ree, adj. A state of anger due to a lack of food, causing irritability and a negative change in an emotional state.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,518 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,301 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Garden Gate/Herbs Merit Badge, Intermediate Level, I continued onward with my obsession desire to make the perfect homemade tea. Since it was going to be a while before my cardamom was ready to harvest, I decided to try another (and faster) indulgence:

Mint!

I love a good cuppa peppermint or spearmint tea, especially on a chilly winter’s night, or iced on a busy summer’s day. And it’s not as heavy as my beloved chai, a fact my jeans will testify to.

Unbeknownst to me, there are more than just good ol’, tried-and-true spearmint and peppermint. Have you ever heard of … drum roll, please …

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The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,518 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,301 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Garden Gate/Herbs Merit Badge, I decided to make my barista’s life a little easier. You see, I’m a real chai lover: that subtly spicy, oh so creamy, delectably frothy, so-thick-you-could-chew-it beverage of choice. Especially during the fall season (oh, let it begin soon). I could pretty much drink my weight in chai lattes. Okay, okay, I am a pint-sized gal, but still. You get my drift.

Anyway, I was really fine-tuning my chai specifications and it was starting to wear on my barista. She was beginning to get the shakes around me, and I don’t think it’s simply because she gets an employee discount on her grande, almond, double-shot mochas. It was because my order was a bit … well, specific. Tailored to fit my tummy’s needs. Complicated. As in,

Medium-sized chai latte with goat’s milk, heavy on the nutmeg, light on the cloves, sprinkled with cinnamon, extra cardamom, dash of grated ginger, drizzled with local honey, in a tall cup with room for sprinkles.

It was getting a little out of hand, I admit.

But the taste! Ah, bliss in a reusable travel mug … come to Mama, sweet thing, come to Mama.

So, anyway, when I realized there was a badge I hadn’t even touched yet and it involved knowing and growing herbs, I was all about it. Sadly for me, the first thing I learned is I don’t live in Sri Lanka, so growing my own cinnamon was going to be an unrealized dream for moi. But cardamom was a possibility, and I jumped in with both feet. I could already taste my homemade chai. It was going to be epic. It was going to knock my socks off.

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The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,518 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,451 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Garden Gate/The Secret Life of Bees Merit Badge, I had to rethink the way I thought about bees. Here’s the buzz:

The little guys and girls are disappearing. Vamoose. Puff. Like a magic act gone awry, our furry little pals are MIA. At first (I admit grudgingly) I was secretly like, who cares?

I know. Harsh.

But right behind their eight-legged buddies, bees were not high on my list of favorite animals. Puppies, yes. Kittens, sure thing. Chickens and horses and lions and tigers and bears? Oh my. But bees? Come on! They buzz by, making me yelp in fear and perform strange dance moves at odd times, and let’s be honest: we’ve all been stung once or twice, am I right?

But the more I learned, the more I began to be fond of the itty bitty creatures. I mean, they’re working hard for us. I happen to LIKE fruits and veggies. I don’t want to live off Doritos, people! Not to mention, I am real fond of local honey. My morning toast would be lonely without it.

You know what they say: you never know what you have until it’s gone.

Sniffle.

Sigh.

Weep.

Short of dressing up like Pooh Bear, complete with honey pot atop my head, I didn’t know what to do. So I headed over to http://www.vanishingbees.com/ and watched a short documentary, narrated by the lovely and talented Ellen Page. There ARE things we can do to entice our bees back to us, and I was determined to do my part.

Plant a bee friendly garden. Well, I can do that. Not a prob, Bob. I got out my handy dandy trowel, turned my soil, and got to work. I was surprised to learn that the bees and I enjoy the same kinds of plants, too …

wild garlic

sage

pumpkins

rosemary

fruit trees

blackberries

and tons of others. We were made for each other, me and the bees. Talk about star-crossed. Romeo and Juliet had nothing on us.

*stifles sobs*

I worked all afternoon making sure my garden was bee friendly. I thought about putting up a Vacancy sign, but decided that might make me look a little desperate. I settled for checking out Sue Monk Kid’s Secret Life of Bees and dove in. My knowledge grew, and hopefully – though it might take a little while – so will my honey pot.

But don’t get too excited. I am so NOT planting a spider friendly garden next.

Though I am quite fond of E.B. White’s Charlotte’s Web.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,518 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,451 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Make It Easy/Let’s Get Physical Merit Badge, I stepped up my game. Literally. The neighborhood kids had gone back to school and left me in the dust, so to speak. We had had some majorly epic games of Kick the Can, Basketball, and Cul-de-Sac Roller Derby, and now they had abandoned my fitness goals for algebra homework.

The nerve.

Well, I sadly waved goodbye to my summertime friends, and sorrowfully Kicked the Can all the way back to my house. Alone. I was going to have to come up a new plan for my Expert Level Badge, and quickly. You know, before the ol’ muffin top and love handles found me again …

Mmmmm, muffins.

No, no, Janie, my girl, sez I, have some will power! I can, I have, and I will again. Although, did you know that if you lick the frosting off a cupcake, it magically becomes a muffin? And we all know muffins are healthy.

Note to self: write diet book.

I scoured my local community for new fitness options. A softball team, a 5k, a Bike-A-Thon—I was up for anything. Well, not anything anything. As a general rule, I try not to run unless I’m being chased by a bear, and even then, it’s iffy. I would probably just throw it a cupcake and hope for the best.

And then I saw it. Ballet! How had I not thought of this particular field before? It was genius. Not only would I tone my calves, but I could break out the ol’ tutu and really rock the bun look. I signed myself up for a Beginning Adult class and laced up my dance shoes. Well, not precisely; I was sad to learn pointe shoes only go to the more advanced ballerinas. No matter. How hard could twirling and pointing my piggies be?

An hour and a half later, I staggered out into the sunlight, my tutu dragging, my pink tights soaked with sweat, my toes sore, my bun lopsided, and the words of a Russian lady, who I believe may or may not have been speaking French, echoing in my addle pated brain. What a harebrained scheme I had committed myself to. What had I done? This class was battement-ing my derriere and it was only Week One!

A tiny, glittery dancer pirouetted by as I leaned against the wall, trying to get up the energy to find my car. She leapt across the street and cheerily waved at me. I glowered. This was obviously not her Week One. I panted for a bit, and finally attempted to move off the wall. Unfortunately, I could not recall how to make my feet move. I longed for a cupcake.

Or a bear.

I decided I would live here. On the side of this building. It was a nice building. And it was holding me up, so we were feeling pretty close. Sadly for me and my plan, my ballet teacher found me as she was locking up.

“You go now!” she told me, with her hands on her perfectly turned-out hips. “You go home and stretch.”

Obediently, I began to move my stiff muscles towards my car, amid suggestions (and demands) that I suck in my stomach, lift my head, relax my fingers, and then repeat—this time faster.

If I live long enough, I think I’m going to sign up for something less murderous. Like rugby.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,518 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,451 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Stitching and Crafting/Aprons Merit Badge, I was super psyched to earn my Expert Level Badge. I had the perfect opportunity for it, too: a couple of my girlfriends were opening a bakery downtown and my plan was to make us matching aprons (the frillier, the better) and have us all wear them as we gave out their mouth-watering, moist, decadent, frosted cupcake samples, thereby luring in customers for life with our yumminess and our farmgirl style.

Lest you think I was only there for the cupcakes, I assure you … I am all about aprons and the movement to bring them back to everyday fashion.

And incidentally, I do enjoy the occasional cupcake.

Or three.

But anyway, I had a grand time picking out my fabrics. That, in itself, would have fulfilled the three-hour time commitment this badge requires, but perhaps you are not so shoppingly indecisive as I. I finally (and I do mean finally) quieted my inner voice that kept telling me the even more perfect calico was just around the next clearance table, and happily

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The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,518 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,301 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Make It Easy/Carp-HEN-try Merit Badge, I decided to tackle a project I’d been wistfully daydreaming about for weeks. Now that the weather has cooled down a bit, I am spending even more time outside (everything from eating to reading to painting my nails to gossiping is done out of doors these days) and I’ve been eyeballing my old carport.

It’s a sad little carport. A bit tumble down, a bit unloved, it houses exactly zero cars and is nothing like a port. It’s more like a ramshackle weed patch, with a cover. But in my head—ah, in my head—it’s a lovely little outdoor patio.

Picture this: a level ground, grapes or ivy growing up over the trellis, maybe some large stepping stones, and a cute-as-a-button, bistro-style table and chairs. Maybe an old hutch as well, filled with outdoor enamelware and pitchers for iced tea. Some hanging lanterns, perhaps, or some twinkly Christmas lights? A mister for those hot summer evenings?

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The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 5,518 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—7,301 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ

For this week’s Outpost/Fishing Merit Badge, I was inspired by Laura Ingalls Wilder. Yep, that’s right: that pigtailed whippersnapper who was always scampering off behind the ol’ log cabin to do some fishing. Yes, fishing. She was the quintessential American tomboy, and the kiddo sure knew how to eat. Those books always make me so hungry … mmm, fish!

The only other time I’ve tried the sport of fishing (Is it a sport? A hobby? An art form? A pastime?) was during an especially long employee barbeque, where I got bored, wandered off, offered to man a pole for a pal, fell asleep, and got a wicked sunburn. And no fish. So, I had a bit of PTSD to overcome, but I was all in. Committed. Eager to learn (and eat).

For the Beginning Level badge, I just needed to learn some fishing knots: clinch, Palomar, turle, barrel knot, and double surgeon’s loop. Who knew there were knots in fishing, anyway? Not me, said the little red hen.

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